Blinded

Tomorrow will mark 19 months that we've been home with Chloe Grace. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that. In many ways it seems like she's always been here. Our days have been pretty normal, which is why I've gone so long without blogging. We felt settled. Things were good. We really didn't struggle with attachment issues outside what we expected. We had some hard days during our first few months home, but overall things went very well. A fellow adoptive mom likes to often remind me, "Yes, things have gone well, but she's not done with you yet." In other words, don't let your guard down. Guilty as charged....

Things are still good. But over the last couple of months Chloe Grace has struggled. I think it's normal considering all she's gone through in her short life..."Why couldn't I stay in China? I want to go back to China. I want to go to Mama Wang's." Mama Wang's house is her Utopia. In her mind, everything was perfect there...candy all day & trips to Disneyland. While I do think things were good for her there, it was certainly not all rainbows and butterflies. But she needs to feel that way for now, so I just let it go. We talk about how I'm sure Mama Wang fed her healthy foods and certainly didn't take her to Disneyland, but I don't try to keep her from thinking it was wonderful there. Maybe I should, I don't know...

In CG's mind, if I'm not treating everyone absolutely equal, then that means I don't love everyone equally. Just yesterday we were sitting at church services and I could tell she was withdrawn and upset. I had no idea why. I asked her if we needed to go in the back & talk about it and she said yes. I took her out & asked her what was wrong. At first she was reluctant to tell me. I assured her that she could tell me anything. She was hurt that I had hugged Jason & hadn't hugged her. To her, that meant I love him and and I don't love her. How my heart aches for that sweet girl. I told her I love her very much and that hugging Jason didn't change that. I told her anytime she wants/needs a hug from me all she has to do is let me know or she can just hug me and I'll always hug her back. She just cried and cried and it broke my heart. I know emotionally together we're only at 18 months...but when I have a silly 6 year old girl running around here it's easy to forget that. It certainly caught me off guard yesterday for her to still be struggling with the permanence of my love for her. So we'll keep working on it, keep assuring her of our love, continue to demonstrate her importance in our family. One day she'll realize we're in it for the long haul.